Observations, Epiphanies and Rants

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME...

2010-08-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

For the last two days I have just been crying, crying and more crying. It's ridiculous. For good reasons, silly reasons, dumb reasons or no reason at all which is the most fun. I'm a pretty emotional person anyway, but honestly being pregnant makes me just an embarassing basket of crazy emotions. I'm at 30 1/2 weeks, and although I have had odd crying incidences on and off the entire time the last two days have been to the extreme. It's a triple shot of hormones. I am just hoping it calms down before I have to go back to work tomorrow b/c I don't want to have to explain that I am not crying for any reason while at my computer! Well on that note I am off to eat, b/c if I'm not crying I am usually eating or sleeping hahaha!

CAN'T KEEP UP

2009-03-02T19:46:00.001-08:00

Ok, the double duty is too much. I am not updating this blog much less, both of my blogs, so with that sad news I am going to have to end this one. I will be focusing on keeping only the family blog updated from now. Thanks for reading.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2008-12-25T12:41:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas to all this holiday season and the best wishes this coming new year! Sorry for my lapse in blogging but there is much to tell and I will post it soon. Hope you are all enjoying this wonderful holiday with those you love.

"And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord."

~ Luke 2:10-11

TAKE A MOMENT

2008-11-04T12:47:00.000-08:00

This past week has been crazy. There has been more going on then I can even explain but to give you just a slight idea of how my week has been progressing my camera, cell phone and fridge all died within 4 days of each other. My food is still in coolers in the garage! Things keep getting added to my "To-do" list faster than I can scratch them off. There have been many times where I just wanted to crawl in bed and hide, and even more when I was questioning why me. But then something happened: a dear friend suffered a terrible loss and suddenly all my "trauma" from the last few days was put into perspective. My trials were minial to the tradegy she and her family were now enduring. It caused me to stop, take a moment and be thankful for all the blessings in my life. To enjoy snuggling with my son and kissing my husband and really focus on all the good in my life and savor it. I encourage everyone to take a moment today to look around and take in all they have to be thankful for, we are all blessed.

CALLING ALL SMUG MARRIEDS

2008-10-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

This Sunday I am teaching a lesson to all the young women about marriage standards, and setting your standards while still dating etc. So all you fabulously smug married women, whether you still are a newlywed or have past your silver anniversary, I need you to think back to your singleton days; what advice would you give other young women regarding dating/courtship on the road to finding your spouse? The advice can be serious, spiritual and even funny as long as it's true. Accompany stories, particularly the humorous kind as I don't want to be a boring teacher, are welcome as well. As always thanks for your help.

(So as not to be prejudice, if your husbands wish to offer some insights as well by all means their advice is welcome too)

Addendum:
In response to a comment I recieved regarding the title of this post, it is from a movie, a very funny movie at that and one of my favorites. I am not sure I want to be friends with people that don't have a sense of humor, but since they didn't leave their name all I can say is maybe YOU(whoever you are) should brush up on your movie quotes and get a sense of humor before you tell people to use a dictionary!

WHAT TIME OF CLEANER ARE YOU?

2008-10-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

That's right I said time. I am not wondering how you clean b/c I know we all do. What I wonder is when, especially those with little and not so little ones to clean up after. At toddler gym the other day some of the moms were discussing the woes of feeling like they were constantly picking up after their kids. I can't do that, if I pick up after every mess he makes, I will be doing nothing but cleaning all day. I am a company/bedtime cleaner. While the big guy is giving the little guy a tubbie, I am running around the house picking up all the toys, laundry, books etc. So by the time he is out and ready for bedtime my house is all straightened as well. That's not to say I don't tidy a bit during the day, I do. I like to clean the dinner mess as quickly as possible and if there is someone coming over I do a quick tidy as well. But otherwise, the mess pretty much builds all day until the bathtime cleanup. There are a few reasons why this works me: one, b/c once the babe is asleep I want to relax but I can't if my house is dirty, I can't sleep either so this behooves me getting some rest which is always a good thing; two, if all is tidy at night that means all is tidy in the morning and each day starts fresh also very condusive to my sanity. So I was just wondering what TIME of cleaning works best for you and why?

NO FRIENDS ALLOWED HERE

2008-10-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, I just have to ask; What the crap is up with bosses/managers not wanting us lowly co-workers to be friends? Honestly, what do they expect us to do? How are we suppossed to survive coming to the office everyday if we aren't allowed to joke, vent, laugh and lament about the goings on and politics of the office? It's okay, we aren't planning a coup. We also talk about our spouses, partners, kids, what we did over the weekend and even what we had for dinner last night. Can't they remember when they were one of us and used to interact and build relationships with co-workers to make the hours go by faster? Honestly does anyone have a valid and legitimate reason for this? And don't give me it's bad for productivity that is a load of crap and you know it. All right I am all ears.

HANDBAG LOVER'S ANONYMOUS

2008-10-05T22:07:00.000-07:00

Hello, all my fellow handbag addicts. This is a fabulous opportunity for you to win a free new bag!!! No, I am not kidding. Handbag Planet is launching a new site and to celebrate they are giving away a bag each hour for 24 hours! I am so excited, and had to share. So check out this website and good luck! www.handbagplanet.com

FUDGY YUMMY GOODNESS WITHOUT GUILT!

2008-09-25T10:31:00.000-07:00

I have just been introduced to the thick fudgy chewy deliciousness that is No Pudge Brownies. Oh my goodness they are too fabulous not to share. As many of you know, I love a good brownie. And the fudgier, thicker, and chewier the better. So imagine my surprise when my co-worker, thank you Laura, told me about this no fat brownie mix that she had just found that was actually good. Of course I had to run out and try it myself. She wasn't kidding. They are quick and easy too, all you add is some fat free plain or vanilla yogurt. So run ladies, run to the store and grab some because you know I wouldn't steer your wrong about yummy treats with little guilt! They have them in different flavors too although all I have tried so far is the original. Honestly they are so good I could eat the whole pan but have to remind myself that even though they are fat free they aren't calorie free, haha. On the website they tell you were you can buy them but so far I have seen them at Safeway, Thriftway and Fred Meyer's, I think they are getting pretty widely distributed now. So enjoy!

Ps- I just realized how much I sound like a cheesy commercial. Sorry for the cheese factor but I am still right about the brownies.

BLAH DAY

2008-09-23T22:43:00.000-07:00

Lousy night sleep - check.
Humiliating and uncomfortable test - check.
Sad, runny nose, slight fever baby boy - check.
Pile of tasks too high to accomplish in one day on my desk - check.
Worked late - check.
Another night of not getting more boxes unpacked - check.

Like I said blah day.

HANDSFREE PRAYERS

2008-09-16T18:52:00.000-07:00

Thankfully talking on your cell phone is not the only thing you can do handsfree while driving. Yesterday was a prime example. I had just hung up from my usual post-nap/lunch update with my mom. The little guy had slept good and happily ate his sandwich, all's well. However not 10 seconds after hanging up I get another call, my mom again, "You need to come home NOW! I locked myself out and V is alone in the house!"

I am sure you can imagine the panic that set in. I work at least a 15 minute car ride from home in perfect traffic, 20 minutes is more the usual. The entire ride I was gripping the wheel, eyes wide opening, praying. I arrive home barely putting the car into park before I run through the garage door screaming for my baby. No answer.

As I race down the hall my fears grow that the worst of the images that flashed through my mind on the drive home have come true, and still no answer to my calls. Slowly I start to notice that nothing seems out of place, and in fact the house is perfectly still. I wonder if maybe my mom managed to get back in and has taken him to her house and I didn't hear my cell ring. But then I round the corner to the kitchen...

To find my babe happily ensconced in his high chair, smiling and playing peek-a-boo out the kitchen window with Grandma who is on the front porch! For all my panic and worry the worst amounted to a spilt cup of milk. Hugs and kisses ensued although the recipient was oblivious to the reason for a surprise visit from Mama in the middle of the day with so much affection.

Not two minutes later our friend Jennifer pulls up too, not sure of what she can do, but as a good friend always does, answering the call for help none the less. Needless to say, plans were laid for any future lock-out incidents which hopefully will not occur. Thanks and hugs went around before I hopped back in the car for the return drive to work which found me again praying handsfree. This time a huge prayer of gratitude.

THANK YOU MY SISTERS

2008-08-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

I received the following as an email and was more touched than I expected. As a woman who has walked that valley many times, I couldn't have expressed my gratitude better. I am eternally grateful for the sisters who cheered me, walked with me and even carried me out at times. Thank you all for you love, loyalty, laughter and friendship.

"A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter. 'Don't forget your sisters,' she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.' 'Remember that 'sisters' means ALL the women... your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.'

What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!' But she listened to her mother. She kept contact with her sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her mother really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, sisters are the mainstays of her life.

THIS SAYS IT ALL: Time passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes. Men don't do what they're supposed to do. Hearts break. Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Careers end.

BUT......... Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family: all bless our life! The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would you. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other."

THE GENIUS OF CRAIG

2008-08-16T22:17:00.000-07:00

What a smart smart man he must be. Sitting in his apartment a few years ago and thinking "Wow wouldn't it be nice if people could buy, barter or even just give away their stuff." Why yes I think that is a fabulous idea. And we have been lucky enough to take advantage of his genius here and there, buying and selling. However, today's purchase has to be the most exciting and favored of our dealings. But first a little back story. We finally found a great rental home and as we have barely any furniture we have been making the rounds to the local furniture stores. Well at Cost Plus World Market we found some stuff we really liked including a large picture. Now it is rare that the husband and I agree on art, we have similar but not exactly the same taste. That whole colorblindness thing gets in the way, haha love you honey. Unfortunately this picture was mildly pricey and as we have more need for dressers, desk etc. than art it was put on the "wanted but not needed just now" list. But being me, I came home and decided to check out craigslist.org and see if any of the stuff we like was on there used. Nope, not the dresser. Nope, not the bed. Nope, not the desk. Nope, not even the bookshelf. But wait, what's that... the picture!!! Yep, the picture. So this morning we drove up north and SCORE!!! The picture was ours and for about 40% of what it cost in the store. Oh yes, that is the genuis of Craig. Only three more weeks and we can move in and hang it, yay!

SO FAR SO GOOD

2008-08-15T22:36:00.000-07:00

Well I have done a few tests so far. And so far, I have passed; or failed I guess whichever way you want to think of it. Bottom line though is it doesn't appear to be the dreaded "c." Although they still aren't sure what is wrong but something is wrong. Now if they could just figure that out so I can get on with my life, not a big favor to ask I think, haha. Oh well, there are a few more tests to take and hopefully one of them will answer the question. Until then I am staying pretty calm and very busy so that helps.

THE "C" WORD

2008-08-06T23:05:00.000-07:00

No not that "C" word, who do you think I am. The other "C" word, that one that strikes fear into your heart. No matter that the Doctor rambled off 4 or 5 things it could be besides that. That's the one that is stuck on repeat in my head. As soon as I heard it I had horrible images of leaving my husband a widower and my baby motherless. I have spent the day near tears worrying at the worst. In tears, praying that's not the case. Please not me. I love my husband. I love my son. We haven't had enough time. But first tests; tests to determine what is wrong. Maybe it's not that word, maybe it's one of the other things I had never heard of but are supposedly less harmful. But before we know we must test; test and wait. Except I am not good at waiting, I am not good at not knowing. If this is a trial I pray I can pass, I hope I can. Until then I wait for answers and try not to dwell on the "what ifs."

DEAL OR BETTER DEAL!!!

2008-08-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

So we are finally feeling back to normal, or close enough at least. And just in time for the annual neighborhood garage sale. I have actually never done the garage sale thing. Maybe driven by one a few times, stopped here and there but I can't recall actually ever buying anything. Well that changed today. We were finding deal after deal after deal. The two best being a bike for the little guy. Yes, it is a tad big but it is the same one we saw in the store a few months ago and joked about how it has to be his first b/c it is so darn cute. Well score, we now own and for the low low low price of $4!!! That's right folks my boy's first bike with dual suspension and even his own little water bottle holder cost only $4. And it looks practically new, the training wheels have a little wear but honestly can you believe that price. The other best deal of the day was for the bigger boy in my life. I found him a golf caddie for $5! Yes, it's a little old school b/c it doesn't have the inflatable tires but compared to the new price of $130+ I think it will work just find. Plus when I go with him I get to use it, haha. Don't worry I didn't miss out on the goodies, I got three books to read for a total of $1.50, and a super cute wood bead bracelet for all of .25 cents! Overall I have to admit I had alot of fun though I don't think this will be a new weekend hobby anytime soon. It helped that it was a neighborhood sale so it was like window shopping in my own neighborhood, haha. I am looking forward to next year though and a little regretful I didn't grab that $10 telescope, shoot!

SICKIES 3: WELLS 2

2008-07-30T19:11:00.001-07:00

Baby boy got sick on the plane ride home from vaca, all over me might I add. UCK! Now he has spread it to DH and Grandma. It's just me and my dad holding out, or I guess more correctly holding in! Hopefully we can stay healthy. Good news is baby boy is already feeling well and the husband is on the mend, so it seems to pass quickly. Wish us luck.

NATURE VS. NURTURE

2008-07-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

Conversion 15 minutes ago:

Me: "Honey, be careful. You just swung him around and plopped him down like a sack of potatos."
Husband: "He is a sack of potatos."
Me: " He's not a sack of potatos, he's our son."

You decide.

SONGS, SONGS, MUSIC and SONGS

2008-06-23T16:15:00.000-07:00

I am sure I am not the only one who does this, or this happens to, you hear a song and immediately it brings a memory or mood to mind. These can be broad or specific, people or places, good or bad. There are songs that remind me of my childhood like "What a wonderful world" by Louis Armstrong, or more specific my favorite song when I was 5 and we lived in Texas "Africa" by Toto. I still think that song is great. Some songs make me think of specific people. Even more so now two years after her death "You are my sunshine" makes me think of my grandma. I try to sing it to my son but can't always make it through with out starting to cry. So I was just thinking about how my life really could be set to music. I could easily write a soundtrack for each point of my life. Even my babyhood would be set to music as I still sing the same lullabyes to my son that my parents sang to me, Dad's choice "B a bae, b e bee" and Mom's "Leaving on a jetplane". My mother claims she didn't know any lullabyes and therefor sung me the only thing she knew the words too. One of my most favorite and few songs I can sing with out accompaniement to this day. There are songs that remind me of difficult times dealing with my past like Tori Amos's "Precious Things". There are songs that expressed exactly how I was feeling in my life, like after two years of trying and failing and failing and almost losing hope and then the joy of having my son, "A New Day" Celione Dion. But even more so now I find myself actually picking songs to suite the person, like theme songs. I took a quiz online once that told me my theme song is "Dancing Queen" by ABBA, a song I absolutely love but I think more fitting in my current life would be "I'm a woman" which if you don't know from Broadway you really should listen to as every wife, mother, hybrid mom can relate! Talk about multitasking! Speaking of children my son has a theme song in my head now whenever he is on the move, which is just about every waking second, it's the chorus of the 80's song "Break my stride":

"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down
Oh no, I've got to keep on moving
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
I'm running and I won't touch ground
Oh no, I've got to keep on moving"

It's so fitting as he is in constant motion and I can barely keep up. However I have a counter song, Simon and Garfunkel's "59th Street Bridge Song":

"Slow down, you move too fast
You got to make the morning last
Just kicking down the cobblestones
Looking for fun and feeling groovy
Ba da da da da da da, feeling groovy"

If it really came down to having to pick my life soundtrack by just one artist though that would have to be Sarah Mclachlan hands down. If I didn't know better I would swear she could read my mind and has been spying on my life. She is brillant and her music is beautiful. I have told my husband I would only leave him for two people, Sarah McLachlan and Jack Johnson! But only in pure innocence and fun and a slightly stalking fashion, I just want to follow them on tour and see every concert and then I would return to my fabulous husband as soon as the tour was over! The Beatles would be on that list too if it weren't for the sad facts that 1) they formed, conquered and broke up before I was even born and 2) only half of them are still living.
So, I am just wondering is all this mood music, memory music and theme songs make me odd? Am I the only person out there that does this? Honestly I probably have a song, or album in some cases, for most of my friends, places I have lived, jobs and definetly every major event in my life. So just for my sanity, does or can anyone else set their life to music too?

For those of you wondering, no my love of music and songs and such unfortunately doesn't transfer into any musical talent. However I would probably be a pretty good contestant on "Don't forget the lyrics" that's if anyone could stand to listen to me! And just for the record today was definitely a "Monday, Monday" by the Mamas and the Papas, haha!

TIME KEEPS ON SLIPPIN'

2008-06-11T22:01:00.001-07:00

Just like my little guy couldn't catch the bathwater, today I definitely feel like I can't catch time. I can't believe my beautiful little baby is now officially a toddler, his first birthday! This past year has not always been easy but I feel so blessed to have him in my life and I wouldn't change a thing. I pray that the laughter has outweighed the tears. And I know that being his mother will continue to bring me more joy. Besides no matter how old he gets, he will always be my baby!
* Bonus points to anyone who can name the song and artist that the title of this post comes from.

ODE TO A FRIEND

2008-06-09T21:27:00.000-07:00

I was inspired by Superhero Journal to write an ode to a friend. I would love for this to be elegant and articulate but as that is not my gift it will just have to be true. From all apparent looks and reason our friendship does not make sense. We seem to be opposites in just about every way. She is well-traveled, ambitious, professional and cultured. The only foreign country I have been to is Canada and I would rather wear jeans and flip-flops than a suit anyday. But for nearly 11 years now we have been friends. More than friends; confidants; supporters and comforters. We met in the dorm freshman year of college and though we have never lived so close since we have never left each other's side. She was the first person I told of my past abuse and the first I shared my sorrow after of my miscarriages. I called her the night I realized I was in love with my future husband and within minutes of the birth of my son. She is always willing to listen to my joys and my woes. We have shared adventures together like our trip to a ranch in Utah and time we thought we were going to a concert in Texas but ended up at Disneyland! But most of all we have shared laughs, millions and millions of laughs. And looking back at over a decade of frienship and loyalty I know that no matter our physical distance we are tied together because she is more than a friend, she has become part of my family.

HYBRID MOM

2008-06-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

The phrase 'working mother' is redundant."
— Jane Sellman

"Being a working mom is not easy. You have to be willing to screw up at every level."
— Jami Gertz

"Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life."
— Anonymous

That's right, I am now part of a target demographic and politicians are fighting for my vote as a working mother. However, to be honest I think all moms are working moms. To quote my husband after a few hours of watching the little guy alone, "No wonder you are so tired when I get home. Just chasing him around wore me out and we didn't even DO anything!" By do anything he meant laundry, cleaning, cooking, errands etc. all the usual things a mom does everyday. Finally he gets it, what I have been trying to tell him for months. Don't get me wrong my DH helps alot with the baby, with cooking not so much, but baby duty he is pretty reliable. And now I have gone and added to my workload by getting a part-time job. I am what I will refer to as a Hybrid Mom as I work in two different manners but cohesive in the whole picture. Am I crazy? So far I think I might be.

Thankfully, I am blessed to have my own mom watch the little guy. And considering how infatuated with each other they are, my only fear is he won't miss me. And more blessings, my job is really flexible if I need to trade days or come in later or leave early sometimes to accomadate doctor's appointments and such. The work is good too. It is something I am passionate about to begin with and have prior experience doing, youth violence, alcohol, tobacco and drug prevention. So that should make the transition easier, not to mention actually having to use some of the programs, procedures etc that I studied in college but hadn't ever put to use. Finally that student loan debt has a purpose, HA! First lesson learned, prioritize, prioritize, prioritize! This is key. Somethings less important have already been pushed off the table. Also, my beloved To Do lists are gold.

This was an incredibly difficult decision for me, particularly as my greatest fear is to not be a good mother. However, for the time being I am going to give this life as a Hybrid Mom a chance. Praying all the while that my baby still loves me when I get home and I can keep all my balls in the air as they say. Wish me luck! And if any other Hybrid Moms have some advice I would welcome anything you have to offer.

DID I JUST SEE THAT?

2008-05-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

I know to each their own when it comes to taste but seriously sometimes I think it would be better if people were able to refuse to do things in bad taste. While driving down the highway today there was a car that at first glance from behind seemed normal, nice even, a dark grey BMW 3series. However that impression quickly fell apart as we pulled along side it. Do you remember that scene from "Steel Magnolias" about the groom's cake? It was red velvet and frosted and shaped like an armadillio. They made the comment that it was unappetizing to cut into your cake when it appeared to be a dead animal. Well that is exactly what I though of when I saw this car up close. It had red hubcaps, and bright red seats and interior! And with the dark grey exterior it looked like roadkill driving down the street, ugh. But what was even slightly more surpising than a mobile roadkill was that it was a 50-ish and stylish looking woman driving it! All I can think is she thought it looked young and fresh and the salesman just wanted a sale, not cool. So while I will continue to try and respect most people's taste and opinions, there will continue to be some I just want to smack and say "What were you thinking?"

STANGER COMPLIMENTS

2008-04-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

I know I have blogged before about interactions with strangers but this one is on a more positive note. I like to give compliments even to those I don't know. Usually other women about their nice haircut, cute outfit or awesome shoes (I am a sucker for shoes!) whatever I happen to like. After a trip to Target today I realize I get this from my mom who complimented a girl on her cute hairdo while we were there. I don't see a problem complimenting strangers although my husband finds it very odd. To be clear I am not walking around spouting compliments left and right to ever person I see, just one or two here and there. I figure either one of two things will happen: 1) the person will think I am a weirdo and as that is true what's the harm or 2)my little compliment will brighten their day and raise their esteem even if it's just a little. You never know when a little compliment can be the nicest thing to happen to someone that day. Besides it's always nice to hear that someone else thinks your haircut fits you or thinks your shoes are as cute as you do (Shoe Addicts Anonymous anyone? Honestly I have a problem) And sometimes they aren't the only ones to benefit, sometimes the person shares where they got the said item. Bonus! Because then if I really like it I can maybe get it for myself, I do this when I receive compliments b/c I know how hard it is to shop and find things you like. So anyway, next time you are out and about maybe consider giving a complete stranger a compliment. Chances are you both will walk away feeling a little brighter!

TO DO

2008-04-24T11:33:00.001-07:00

Ah the "To Do" list. I enjoy it. I know most people would find it odd that a list of things you must do could bring joy but it does. It helps me focus and feel organized. And what can be more fun and rewarding that scratch things off when done. I use to make a house list every week and a daily one at work. But lately since the babe, I have slacked. Yesterday though I just was overwhelmed with things running through my mind. I made a list, 15 "to do's"!!! It seemed like a lot and even my mom rolled her eyes when I read it to her and scoffed at my intent to get them done. But by the time I went to bed 12 items had been scratched off!! 12, that's pretty good for one day. That doesn't count the little extras that got thrown in to. I showed off my scratched up list to my husband like a child showing off a good report card, he offered the appropriate congratulations and a little peck on the forhead even. After yesterday's success I made myself another list today. Only 7 items today but some are more time consuming. So far I have crossed off one, in the process of another (laundry) and headed out the door for a third as soon as the munchkin wakes from his nap. Steady progress considering it is not even lunch time yet. I will admit though I am waiting with much excitment to cross off #7 on the list, written in all caps with three exclamation points..."Watch GREY'S!!!". A new episode finally airs tonight, yipee! If you are a fellow McDreamy lover you have been waiting in anticipation also, and if you are not you should be! On that note I am off, I wonder what will be on tomorrow's list...

IT'S JUST A BUBBLE SHEET

2008-04-10T07:25:00.000-07:00

So I have been on the hunt for a part-time job for some time now. It's not easy and their isn't a lot out there that doesn't involve food prep which is somewhere I don't want to go. Not that I think any less of those in the food services industry, in fact I am thankful for them b/c on nights I don't want to cook dinner I don't have to b/c we can go out. However I don't think I would have the will power to not nibble, nibble, nibble all day while at work if I was around yummy food. Back to my point, I am sort of being picky about what jobs I do want b/c although I want to work I don't want to spend too much time away from my little guy. I would still like to be able to take him to Toddler Gym, have family dinner, put him to bed etc. I actually turned down a job b/c it was too many hours and I wouldn't be able to do 2 of the 3 things listed above, but after last night I am questioning whether that was a good idea.
Last night I went to take a test for a job I applied for as a Service Specialist at the Police Dept. The hours are great, the pay is great, and usually a city job has great benefits and such too. I was pretty excited about it until I showed up for the test. There were already 30 or so people in the room and another 20 filtered in! I told myself to remain calm, maybe they give the test just once for all open positions b/c it is a test all city employees have to take. The lady in charge stood up and asked "Is everyone here for the Services Specialist job....(in that pause I was waiting for additional jobs to be listed) alright great let's get started." WHAT!?!?!? All 50 of us were there for the same part-time position with only one opening! At this point I can only comfort myself with the fact that I saw the check in list and even with 50 of us we were only 2/3 of those invited to come. I wish they would have narrowed us down even more by stupidity. The test was a bubble sheet test, now if you can't figure out how to fill out your name on a bubble sheet you really should just be tossed out on your bum b/c all other office work will be way beyond your capabilities. But I kid you not there were many, many, many questions about how to fill out the front page of the bubble test with your name, date, birthday!!! HONESTLY, can you not spell your own name and shade in bubbles with the same letters!?!?!?! And if you don't know your own birthday you must have had a very sad childhood. They could save themselves some time scoring tests if they had just tossed those folks out then and there, and what's worse is there was another test, again bubble sheet and people STILL had questions and it was the same thing!!! The first test was not hard it was just about phone skills, we watched a video of fake phone calls and had to answer questions which wasn't difficult except for the fact that two women were hacking their lungs out the whole time and that made it difficult to hear but oh well at least everyone had that disadvantage. The second test is a different story, it was hard. I consider myself smart, I got good grades, have a Bachelor's degree and scored well on my ACT but that was over a decade ago so I am a bit out of practice. But honestly the second test was like a mini-ACT I was just getting up to leave when they called time which is my only comfort that at least I was one of only a handful to finish before they called time which may or may not help me. I think I did okay on the math and coding but oh the enemy that is spelling! I am not a good speller. It's embarassing even in my scrapbook there are some pages that are mis-spelled mostly before I was married b/c now my wonderful husband checks my pages for me. But even though I am an avid and voracious ( I just checked that on Dictionary.com! ) I am a bad speller and not so great in the grammar department either. So finally after 2 1/2 hours of testing, which ironically caused me to miss family dinner and putting my baby to bed, we were free to leave. Needless to say I was very deflated and cranky when I finally got home, hungry too. I am not holding out much hope for a call back and have resigned myself to at least a few more weeks of searching for a job. But at least there is one bright spot in my day already this morning. On "Sesame Street" they played one of my favorite songs spoofs, REM singing "Furry Happy Monsters" to the tune of "Shiny Happy People" so with that fun little ditty in my head I am off to face the day. "Furry happy monsters being glad... Monsters happy monsters...."

GOODNIGHT MOON

2008-04-02T07:34:00.000-07:00

Last night as bedtime was rounding the corner we started our usual routine. We pick up toys and then as I get the bottle ready my husband scoops up the little guy and heads upstairs to get him ready for his bath. However this time my husband took a detour. The blinds were still open on the back window as it had been and still was, though quickly fading, a beautiful blue sky and sunshine day. He stopped at the window and proceeded to to say "Goodnight sunshine, goodnight grass, goodnight trees, goodnight froggie (we have 2 frogs living in the backyard)..." and my favorite that made me go from a sweet "I-love-my-family-and-have-the-best-husband and-cutest-son-ever smile to actually letting out a giggle, "Goodnight fence!" I am not sure why that made me laugh, obviously in the book they say goodnight to much more odd things such as "nobody" and "mush" but saying goodnight to a fence was just amusing. But it was so wonderful to just feel completely content and at peace with the moment. To finally feel like all is right and I am making it as a mom. There were many months of struggle and questioning whether I was good enough but now playing with my son and seeing the smile on his face and feeling the love he has for me when we snuggle I know that even though I am not perfect and we still have our rough moments at times that they are shorter, fewer and farther between and the days of smiles and giggles and sweet memories are abundant. And of course we did read "Goodnight Moon" last night before bed, twice haha. I am truly blessed.

JUST CALL ME YOGI IN TRAINING

2008-03-31T16:38:00.000-07:00

I have attended a few Yoga classes in the past but usually was not impressed with the class, didn't break a sweat, got annoyed with someone telling me to relax or all of the above. Today however I went to a new yoga class at the gym. Whoa! Although I always wanted to be able to enjoy yoga like others do I just really thought it wasn't going to happen for me but today's class was a turning point. Obviously I am not a Yogi yet, nor will I be any time soon but for the first time I broke a sweat and could really feel my muscles working. It was so nice. And the teacher is not one of those "breathe, relax, feel the bad karma flowing out of your toes and welcome the new energy with your next breathe blah blah blah...." I am sorry but I can't handle that, if someone tells me to relax each part of my body I just want to smack them. Not very patient or kind I know, but unfortunately true. This teacher however did not do that. No visualization just breathing, that I can handle. Plus she was very patient and helpful for newbies such as myself. I am sure I was the worst one in the class, there were some moves I couldn't do quite right. I am not as limber as I used to be, but still I did surprise myself with some of the things I could do. Of course I was next to the best of the class, honestly this lady did some moves that the teacher even had to clap for! Therefore, now that my little one is on a pretty set schedule and sleeping better I am going to try and get to the gym and lose the rest of this baby weight I have been carrying around. I have a good incentive too. In July we are headed down to San Diego for vacation with my husband's brother's family and I do not want to look like a beached whale in all the photos so "Hi Ho Hi Ho, off to the gym I go." On Wednesday I am trying the pilates class, wish me luck!

HE IS RISEN

2008-03-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

"But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the firstfruits of them that slept. For since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive" (1 Corinthians 15:20-22).

SHARING FAVORITES

2008-02-09T22:25:00.000-08:00

So today my husband and I got to spend some time together, just us. We went Mini-golfing, haha! I know that sounds lame to some, but if it wasn't for mini-golf we might never have gotten married. Now you may be wondering how mini-golf leads to marriage, well it doesn't exactly. However after a few weeks of hanging out as just "friends", we went to play a shared favorite activity: mini-golf. There we made a bet that the winner had to take the loser to dinner anywhere they wanted. Well I lost, and my "friend" chose to have dinner at a really nice and fancy place neither of us had been too but both had heard about. It was at this dinner that my "friend" proposed, no not that proposal, but he did ask if I would like to date. I promptly felt queasy with shock, my dreams don't usually come true so I was unprepared for something I had secretly been wishing for to be something he had been wishing for also! Within two weeks of dating we decided to get married and voila! All thanks to a round of mini-golf.
Our round of mini-golf today didn't lead to any grand results, at least thus far, but we did have fun. And I have to say my putting skills have improved, just call me Happy. Sadly I lost, but not by much. My DH kindly says that I beat him on the front 9, while he won the back 9, but overall I still lost. He is sweet for trying to make me feel better about it though.
We don't share all the same favorites, in fact our absolute favorite pastimes couldn't be more different. His: mountain biking and hiking/camping. Mine: scrapbooking and shopping. But we make an effort to support each other. He will help me find the perfect sticker at the scrapbook store and I will strap on a Camelback for a hike up a mountain. And we have found many things we enjoy together: bowling, mini-golf, reading, music etc. Tonight though, as the day was winding down and the baby was sleeping, I was emailing, DH was going through some papers while "Friends" was on tv we had a fun little epiphany.

DH:"You know I never thought 'Friends' was that funny until I married you?"
Me:"Of course it's funny."
DH:"Yes it is, but I only watched it once or twice before I was married to you and now it's one of my favorites"
Me:"Yeah, I knew who Jack Johnson was but I didn't listen to him before I married you and now he is one of my favorites. Being married is great."
DH:"Yeah, sharing favorites is good."

So I guess what I am trying to say is that sharing favorites with your honey is a fun perk of marriage. Whether it's the favorites you both enjoy like bowling, the favorites you endure because you love your honey like sleeping in a tent, or the favorites you introduce and then share with your honey like the beauty of a little song called "Banana Pancakes". I look forward to many more years of sharing favorites with my husband and hopefully we will share some with our little guy too.

MY SO-CALLED LIFE

2008-01-17T19:33:00.000-08:00

Like most people I would not like to live through my high school years again. It wasn't horrible but it wasn't the best time of my life either. Mostly angst: boy angst; body angst; parent angst, friend angst; oh and more boy angst haha! There are things that I wish I could change but mostly I wish I had been different, more confident, taken more risks with less fear of what other's may think. It would be interesting to see how the me now would handle high school, I am sure it would be very different. Still given the chance I would not return, once was enough. However there is one thing from my high school times I am happy to relive or rewatch actually, My So-called Life. It was only on one season and that was much too short-lived. There has never been a show that more closely mirrored my life. No I didn't dye my hair "crimson glow", I wasn't brave enough to do that though I wish I had. But all her thoughts, her insights, her feelings about life it's like watching me in high school all over again. If you added the sarcasim of Mtv's Daria you would have a good idea of what I was like. And thanks to the joy of Netflix, I have been enjoying all the ups and downs of high school again, this time from a safe distance of more than a decade plus a husband and baby later! But I still think Jordon Catalano is a cutie!

Just a few quotes I loved then and still do:

Angela - "It just seems like, you agree to have a certain personality or something. For no reason. Just to make things easier for everyone. But when you think about it, I mean, how do you know it's even you?"

Angela - "Things were getting to me. Just how people are. How they always expect you to be a certain way, even your best friend. Like with boys, how they have it so easy. How you have to pretend... you don't notice them... noticing you. Like cheerleaders, can't people just cheer on their own, like, to themselves.

Rayanne - "I think part of him is partly interested in you. Definitely. I mean, he's got other things on his mind."

Angela - "But that's the part that's so unfair. I have nothing else on my mind. How come I have to be the one sitting aroundanalyzing him in like microscopic detail, and he gets to bethe one with other things on his mind."

Rickie - "That is deep."

Rickie - "Did you ever try to protect someone so much that it, like, hurt?"

Patty(mom) - "If Rayanne's not seeing you, and we're not seeing you, who is seeing you?"
Graham(dad) - "And how much of you?"
Angela - "Dad!"
Graham(dad) - "Oh, I'm sorry! I asked a question about your life, didn't I? Woah, what came over me?"

Jordon - "I have all these dreams where I know exactly what to say. Then you tell me... you know... that you forgive me."

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2007-12-25T08:20:00.000-08:00

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." ~ Isaiah 9:6

IT IS REAL AND IT IS SERIOUS

2007-12-23T23:11:00.000-08:00

Below is a comment on left on Miss Nemesis' post. It brought so many emotions and memories to the surface that I just felt I had to share them here as well. Depression is real and not something to be taken lightly. It is an everyday struggle. Just like how some one is a recovering alcoholic, so is some one a recovering depressed person. Some people have depression due to chemical imbalances, some it's hereditary, and for some like me it is brought on by abuse whether emotional, physical or sexual. (Just for the record my abuse was not at the hands of my family, I was raised by loving parents who were pained when they finally learned of my experience.) There is always the fear of returning to that dark place but there is also the knowledge that you are not alone. You do not have to return to those dark days, you can get help. And if anyone reads this and hasn't gotten help. I urge you to ask for help immediately. Do not be scared, do not be ashamed. You will realize that not only are there loved ones that want to stand by you and help you but also that there are loved ones who may have struggled themselves at some point and are willing to share their strength and path back to the life with you.

My comment:
i have so much running through my mind right after reading your post, dooce's post which brought tears to my eyes, and then most the comments. i have depression. currently i am not on medication but i owe my life as it is today to Heavenly Father and Prozac. you never recover from depression, it will be with you for the rest of your life and everyday you must fight it. somedays are better and easier than others, months can pass in perfect harmony and then what i like to call "black days" can strike with no warning and for no reason. my depression began in my teenage years but did not come to a head until my sophmore year at BYU, and yes i do think the pressure of the "utopian" culture but not the LDS religion did play a part in that. there is a real struggle to seperate the gospel from the hypocrisy of some of the members and the pressure and expection to be perfect in all manners. would i have had a mental and physical breakdown had i not moved to utah, yes of course. i just think that it happened sooner due to the unique nature of the culture. but as i said i do not blame the religion, i am still a faithful and active member. though i will admit while in the midst of my depression and before recieving help, church was not helpful contrary to what you may hear from some ladies in relief society. it was painful to sit through church particularly rs, but personal prayer, scriptures, and journaling was helpful. i know that i would not have survived my darkest days with out the comfort of my savior and the holy ghost at times when i felt i had no one. and for those who think it should be easy to ask for help, it isn't. for many reasons, including the shame and fear of sharing your deepest and literally darkest thoughts. and i know for me at least i thought i was asking for help, dropping hints, wishing for just one person to really and truly mean it when they asked 'how are you?' there are those who suffer depression in an obvious way, never getting out of bed, constantly crying etc. people can't help but notice they need help. and then there are "functioning" depressed people, as i was, that on the surface and with out close inspection seemed to be just fine with life but are truly dying inside. as i wasn't dealing with my depression emotionaly it finally took it's toll on me physically. i become so sick and weak that i had to withdraw from school. still not wanting to admit what i suspected was wrong i continued to pursue the physical ailments until reading an article in my doctor's waiting room with 10 questions to tell if you may be depressed, if you answered 3 you were mostly likely depressed, i answered all ten with a yes. when my doctor walked into the exam room i handed her the article and said i answered yes to all of them, and then burst into tears. that was the turning point in my life. she was shocked, surprised as were my parents. and they continued to struggle with my new diagnosis and life on prozac even with my father going so far as to ask me to stop taking prozac for his birthday present! needless to say i turned elsewhere for my support and found a few but steady confidants and dear friends who helped me through that time. and now i have a wonderful and patient husband who holds me on those "black days". but for anyone questioning whether depression is real, or just a hip/cool thing to have as amyjane said. i would advice that anyone who is trying to sound cool by saying they have depression has never experienced true depession. if you have you would never want to be that dark or low again and you would realize that it is a battle everyday to not return to that place. you learn your own signs and you learn what helps and doesn't. and you also move on, don't let it control you or own you. i know now that i am a strong woman, i am a beautiful in my Heavenly Father's eyes and the eyes of my husband and new baby and some days if that's all i know, it is enough.

TIME PASSES

2007-12-04T21:13:00.000-08:00

Today we spent time at my grandparents helping them out. My mom and/or I go up there a few times a week to make sure they have groceries, meals to eat, clean the house etc. I will admit that sometimes it is wearisome due to the amount of care needed and the glimpse into what the future holds. But today as I was in the kitchen putting away groceries and making dinner for them I was able to watch my grandfather play with my son. We only recently moved back here and in the years that I have been away my grandfather's Alzheimer's has progressed rapidly. Most days though he recognizes me as a good person, someone he can let in the house, he doesn't recognize me as his granddaughter. My son is named after my grandfather, and though he does not remember this or understand it even when told, he absolutely lights up when he sees the baby. Before we can even get out of the car he sees the baby and is trying to talk to him. He spends hours playing on the floor with him, not an easy task due to his health. He is so gentle and happy in their interactions. And my son in turn, enjoys to play with his great-grandfather, rewarding him with shrills and giggles. It is bittersweet to see someone nearing the end of their life and someone whose life has just begun to interact with such enthusiasm. I know that my grandfather's time here is limited, his absence will be grieved. My childhood is scattered with many happy memories of time spent with him. And I can only pray that even as his mind continues to fail the joy he feels when playing with his great-grandson will not fade. I pray that my son will grow to know and love his great-grandfather. And that the joy and fun of their time together will continue to shine brightly in both their eyes.

OH WINTER

2007-12-01T18:49:00.001-08:00

Well it's official winter is here. No, it wasn't the abundant amount of holiday sales all over the stores, or the same 10 Christmas movies playing on each channel. It wasn't even the 3 trees in my mom's house that clued me in. Nope, it was my car, or more actually, the fact that I had to scrape my car yesterday when I went to get in it. I am no Scrooge, I love the Christmas season. I LOVE LOVE LOVE singing the music (though I can't vouch for anyone that loves to hear me, haha). I love celebrating Christ's birth, keeping family traditions, finding the perfect present for loved ones and decorating. But the one sign of the season I do not appreciate and had been lucky enough to avoid living in California for the past 3 Christmases, is frost and frozen windshields, ugh! Some of you may not understand the correlation between the holiday season and frozen windshields but for a girl that grew up in the mid-west and attended college in Utah, home of the "world's best snow" it is common relation. But this year I will rise above it and look at the bright side and all the other beauties of the season, namely that I don't live in a place where snow is that common so even if I do have to scrape my car at least I don't have to brush off six inches of snow first to get to the windshield, yikes! And even more importantly this is my baby's first Christmas season which means his first traditions, his first snow, his first holiday lights and his first time singing Christmas songs (well he doesn't really sing yet but he listens to me and squeals hopefully out of pleasure and not horror, haha!). And maybe for my own holiday wishes I will add new car with remote defrost to my Christmas list next year, haha!

I WANT TO BE MORE

2007-11-08T13:06:00.000-08:00

Obviously I am not perfect, not really a news flash there. But like most of us I just keep trying, somedays are better than others. I want to be more; more patient, more loving, more forgiving, etc. Often I find myself, especially in my current state of never ending sleep deprevation getting annoyed and aggrevated easily and wanting to blame others for things; when really I should accept things as they come and do what I can to change what I can. Serenity prayer anyone? So today driving in the car while listening to one of my favorite CD's by one of my favorite singers the lyrics of two of the songs just hit me, so I submit the following as some thoughts to ponder:

"We must demand more not from each other but more from ourselves"
"In the end only kindness matters."
- Jewel -

Here's to trying to be More.

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE

2007-11-07T18:50:00.000-08:00

I love Netflix. Honestly, I am addicted, our queue is over 100 movies long and just seems to get longer and longer. It's great to be able to see new movies with out paying the outrageous ticket fee (locally it's up to $9!!!) and also with a baby on board now it's so convenient to be able to watch from our own couch too. Last night we watched the new "Transformers" movie; very enthusiastic two thumbs up! They did a really good job of bringing one of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons to life. I was a little sad that Bumblebee is now a Camero and not a beloved Beetle anymore, but I guess somethings have to change with the times. And it got me thinking about the good ol' Saturday morning cartoons of my childhood. They were awesome, why don't they make cartoons like that anymore. They weren't overly violent or just funny, they were exciting and had characters you loved and also had a message to teach, a good message. Oh how I miss the days of ThunderCats, American Superheros, Gummi Bears, Smurfs, and of course my personal favorite Voltron. And that is my vote for next great Saturday morning cartoon to be made into a movie. Voltron was awesome, my sister and I would always argue about who got to be the princess. And that brings us full circle back to the wonder of Netflix. You can find all kinds of great memories from your childhood there. We have had lots of fun watching old cartoons and movies that we loved from our younger days. Some have not held up so well like "Explorers" and some are just as great and fun now as they were then even if the special effects aren't the best like "Willow" and "Flight of the Navigator". So for anyone that has yet to start a Netflix account, I encourage you to join in on the fun and memories, haha! They really should put me on a commercial, haha.

CRAZY BABY TOUCHERS

2007-11-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, when I first got pregnant everyone warned me about how total strangers would feel it their right to counsel me on how I should care for myself and my unborn baby. They even warned of strangers touching my belly without asking. However I managed to get through all of my 41 weeks ( I was a week late ) of pregnancy without a single stray hand touching me that I did not welcome. And no unsolicited advice either.
Oh how the times have changed. Apparently I am making up for my intrusive-free pregnancy by running into every child rearing "expert" I can while out and about with my baby boy. Do these people really think I am listening to them? It's not really the advice that bothers me, honestly I could care less how people think I should raise my child. I am pretty good at brushing off other's opinions when I am not seeking them. However, I can not get past the fact that there are people out there who think it is perfectly okay to touch a strangers baby!!!! Are they kidding me? HANDS OFF MY BABY!!!!! For instance, the other day I went to Target. Baby boy was happily snuggled in the Baby Bjorn and I was talking to my husband on the cell phone while trying on shoes. An old lady approached me, you would think that fact that I was on the phone, trying on shoes, and holding my baby's hand all at the same time would signal to her that I am not really in the position to chat but apparently not. She proceeds to talk to me, telling me how un-hygenic it is to try on shoes with out socks. Uh-huh sure whatever, true but honestly do you always have the little nylons handy when you are trying on shoes. But here is where it crossed the line to the are-you-freaking-kidding-me side. Just after she finishes telling me how un-hygenic it is to try on shoes sockless, she grabs my baby's hand and as if that isn't bad enough she starts to kiss it!!!! WHAT THE &$%#!!! Now remember I am still standing there a-la Cinderella with one shoe on and a cell phone up to my ear, all I can see are images of beating this woman over the head with the cute Mary Jane I have just tried on. Obviously realizing that beating an elderly person with a shoe would not be the best idea I have had, I drop the shoe, stuff my foot as far as I can into my own shoe while simultaneously pulling my baby's hand away from this woman and making a hasty exit around the corner all the while my husband oblivious to my situation is waiting for an answer regarding reservations for an upcoming trip.
As soon as I thought I had made a far enough retreat, I let loose to my husband about the craziness I have just experienced while also applying some hand gel to my baby's hand and holding it away from his mouth while it dries. Good husband that he is he lamented with me about the absurdity of the woman's actions. Now common sense would tell you that if you are concerned with germs on your feet wouldn't you be aware of germs from your mouth and hands? But apparently this woman though concerned for the safety of my feet had no such concern for the health of my baby! My feet thank you, my baby does NOT.
Unfotunately this was not my last encounter with what I call a crazy-baby-toucher, people who can't resist the urge to touch and coo at strangers babies. Please coo away but DON'T TOUCH. I have found a way to deal with the problem however. While at Costco there was a couple with triplets, you know they have had their fair share of crazy-baby-touchers, but alas no more. They had these great little signs sitting above each baby in the triple stroller. You can find them at http://www.healthylittleones.com/ and thanks to them I am ordering one now and hopefully can avoid any future run-ins with the crazy-baby-touchers. And don't worry about my feet either, I will be sure to stick a pair of socks in the diaper bag in case I feel the urge to try on shoes.