MERRY CHRISTMAS

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." ~ Isaiah 9:6

IT IS REAL AND IT IS SERIOUS

Below is a comment on left on Miss Nemesis' post. It brought so many emotions and memories to the surface that I just felt I had to share them here as well. Depression is real and not something to be taken lightly. It is an everyday struggle. Just like how some one is a recovering alcoholic, so is some one a recovering depressed person. Some people have depression due to chemical imbalances, some it's hereditary, and for some like me it is brought on by abuse whether emotional, physical or sexual. (Just for the record my abuse was not at the hands of my family, I was raised by loving parents who were pained when they finally learned of my experience.) There is always the fear of returning to that dark place but there is also the knowledge that you are not alone. You do not have to return to those dark days, you can get help. And if anyone reads this and hasn't gotten help. I urge you to ask for help immediately. Do not be scared, do not be ashamed. You will realize that not only are there loved ones that want to stand by you and help you but also that there are loved ones who may have struggled themselves at some point and are willing to share their strength and path back to the life with you.

My comment:
i have so much running through my mind right after reading your post, dooce's post which brought tears to my eyes, and then most the comments. i have depression. currently i am not on medication but i owe my life as it is today to Heavenly Father and Prozac. you never recover from depression, it will be with you for the rest of your life and everyday you must fight it. somedays are better and easier than others, months can pass in perfect harmony and then what i like to call "black days" can strike with no warning and for no reason. my depression began in my teenage years but did not come to a head until my sophmore year at BYU, and yes i do think the pressure of the "utopian" culture but not the LDS religion did play a part in that. there is a real struggle to seperate the gospel from the hypocrisy of some of the members and the pressure and expection to be perfect in all manners. would i have had a mental and physical breakdown had i not moved to utah, yes of course. i just think that it happened sooner due to the unique nature of the culture. but as i said i do not blame the religion, i am still a faithful and active member. though i will admit while in the midst of my depression and before recieving help, church was not helpful contrary to what you may hear from some ladies in relief society. it was painful to sit through church particularly rs, but personal prayer, scriptures, and journaling was helpful. i know that i would not have survived my darkest days with out the comfort of my savior and the holy ghost at times when i felt i had no one. and for those who think it should be easy to ask for help, it isn't. for many reasons, including the shame and fear of sharing your deepest and literally darkest thoughts. and i know for me at least i thought i was asking for help, dropping hints, wishing for just one person to really and truly mean it when they asked 'how are you?' there are those who suffer depression in an obvious way, never getting out of bed, constantly crying etc. people can't help but notice they need help. and then there are "functioning" depressed people, as i was, that on the surface and with out close inspection seemed to be just fine with life but are truly dying inside. as i wasn't dealing with my depression emotionaly it finally took it's toll on me physically. i become so sick and weak that i had to withdraw from school. still not wanting to admit what i suspected was wrong i continued to pursue the physical ailments until reading an article in my doctor's waiting room with 10 questions to tell if you may be depressed, if you answered 3 you were mostly likely depressed, i answered all ten with a yes. when my doctor walked into the exam room i handed her the article and said i answered yes to all of them, and then burst into tears. that was the turning point in my life. she was shocked, surprised as were my parents. and they continued to struggle with my new diagnosis and life on prozac even with my father going so far as to ask me to stop taking prozac for his birthday present! needless to say i turned elsewhere for my support and found a few but steady confidants and dear friends who helped me through that time. and now i have a wonderful and patient husband who holds me on those "black days". but for anyone questioning whether depression is real, or just a hip/cool thing to have as amyjane said. i would advice that anyone who is trying to sound cool by saying they have depression has never experienced true depession. if you have you would never want to be that dark or low again and you would realize that it is a battle everyday to not return to that place. you learn your own signs and you learn what helps and doesn't. and you also move on, don't let it control you or own you. i know now that i am a strong woman, i am a beautiful in my Heavenly Father's eyes and the eyes of my husband and new baby and some days if that's all i know, it is enough.

TIME PASSES

Today we spent time at my grandparents helping them out. My mom and/or I go up there a few times a week to make sure they have groceries, meals to eat, clean the house etc. I will admit that sometimes it is wearisome due to the amount of care needed and the glimpse into what the future holds. But today as I was in the kitchen putting away groceries and making dinner for them I was able to watch my grandfather play with my son. We only recently moved back here and in the years that I have been away my grandfather's Alzheimer's has progressed rapidly. Most days though he recognizes me as a good person, someone he can let in the house, he doesn't recognize me as his granddaughter. My son is named after my grandfather, and though he does not remember this or understand it even when told, he absolutely lights up when he sees the baby. Before we can even get out of the car he sees the baby and is trying to talk to him. He spends hours playing on the floor with him, not an easy task due to his health. He is so gentle and happy in their interactions. And my son in turn, enjoys to play with his great-grandfather, rewarding him with shrills and giggles. It is bittersweet to see someone nearing the end of their life and someone whose life has just begun to interact with such enthusiasm. I know that my grandfather's time here is limited, his absence will be grieved. My childhood is scattered with many happy memories of time spent with him. And I can only pray that even as his mind continues to fail the joy he feels when playing with his great-grandson will not fade. I pray that my son will grow to know and love his great-grandfather. And that the joy and fun of their time together will continue to shine brightly in both their eyes.

OH WINTER

Well it's official winter is here. No, it wasn't the abundant amount of holiday sales all over the stores, or the same 10 Christmas movies playing on each channel. It wasn't even the 3 trees in my mom's house that clued me in. Nope, it was my car, or more actually, the fact that I had to scrape my car yesterday when I went to get in it. I am no Scrooge, I love the Christmas season. I LOVE LOVE LOVE singing the music (though I can't vouch for anyone that loves to hear me, haha). I love celebrating Christ's birth, keeping family traditions, finding the perfect present for loved ones and decorating. But the one sign of the season I do not appreciate and had been lucky enough to avoid living in California for the past 3 Christmases, is frost and frozen windshields, ugh! Some of you may not understand the correlation between the holiday season and frozen windshields but for a girl that grew up in the mid-west and attended college in Utah, home of the "world's best snow" it is common relation. But this year I will rise above it and look at the bright side and all the other beauties of the season, namely that I don't live in a place where snow is that common so even if I do have to scrape my car at least I don't have to brush off six inches of snow first to get to the windshield, yikes! And even more importantly this is my baby's first Christmas season which means his first traditions, his first snow, his first holiday lights and his first time singing Christmas songs (well he doesn't really sing yet but he listens to me and squeals hopefully out of pleasure and not horror, haha!). And maybe for my own holiday wishes I will add new car with remote defrost to my Christmas list next year, haha!