MERRY CHRISTMAS

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace." ~ Isaiah 9:6

IT IS REAL AND IT IS SERIOUS

Below is a comment on left on Miss Nemesis' post. It brought so many emotions and memories to the surface that I just felt I had to share them here as well. Depression is real and not something to be taken lightly. It is an everyday struggle. Just like how some one is a recovering alcoholic, so is some one a recovering depressed person. Some people have depression due to chemical imbalances, some it's hereditary, and for some like me it is brought on by abuse whether emotional, physical or sexual. (Just for the record my abuse was not at the hands of my family, I was raised by loving parents who were pained when they finally learned of my experience.) There is always the fear of returning to that dark place but there is also the knowledge that you are not alone. You do not have to return to those dark days, you can get help. And if anyone reads this and hasn't gotten help. I urge you to ask for help immediately. Do not be scared, do not be ashamed. You will realize that not only are there loved ones that want to stand by you and help you but also that there are loved ones who may have struggled themselves at some point and are willing to share their strength and path back to the life with you.

My comment:
i have so much running through my mind right after reading your post, dooce's post which brought tears to my eyes, and then most the comments. i have depression. currently i am not on medication but i owe my life as it is today to Heavenly Father and Prozac. you never recover from depression, it will be with you for the rest of your life and everyday you must fight it. somedays are better and easier than others, months can pass in perfect harmony and then what i like to call "black days" can strike with no warning and for no reason. my depression began in my teenage years but did not come to a head until my sophmore year at BYU, and yes i do think the pressure of the "utopian" culture but not the LDS religion did play a part in that. there is a real struggle to seperate the gospel from the hypocrisy of some of the members and the pressure and expection to be perfect in all manners. would i have had a mental and physical breakdown had i not moved to utah, yes of course. i just think that it happened sooner due to the unique nature of the culture. but as i said i do not blame the religion, i am still a faithful and active member. though i will admit while in the midst of my depression and before recieving help, church was not helpful contrary to what you may hear from some ladies in relief society. it was painful to sit through church particularly rs, but personal prayer, scriptures, and journaling was helpful. i know that i would not have survived my darkest days with out the comfort of my savior and the holy ghost at times when i felt i had no one. and for those who think it should be easy to ask for help, it isn't. for many reasons, including the shame and fear of sharing your deepest and literally darkest thoughts. and i know for me at least i thought i was asking for help, dropping hints, wishing for just one person to really and truly mean it when they asked 'how are you?' there are those who suffer depression in an obvious way, never getting out of bed, constantly crying etc. people can't help but notice they need help. and then there are "functioning" depressed people, as i was, that on the surface and with out close inspection seemed to be just fine with life but are truly dying inside. as i wasn't dealing with my depression emotionaly it finally took it's toll on me physically. i become so sick and weak that i had to withdraw from school. still not wanting to admit what i suspected was wrong i continued to pursue the physical ailments until reading an article in my doctor's waiting room with 10 questions to tell if you may be depressed, if you answered 3 you were mostly likely depressed, i answered all ten with a yes. when my doctor walked into the exam room i handed her the article and said i answered yes to all of them, and then burst into tears. that was the turning point in my life. she was shocked, surprised as were my parents. and they continued to struggle with my new diagnosis and life on prozac even with my father going so far as to ask me to stop taking prozac for his birthday present! needless to say i turned elsewhere for my support and found a few but steady confidants and dear friends who helped me through that time. and now i have a wonderful and patient husband who holds me on those "black days". but for anyone questioning whether depression is real, or just a hip/cool thing to have as amyjane said. i would advice that anyone who is trying to sound cool by saying they have depression has never experienced true depession. if you have you would never want to be that dark or low again and you would realize that it is a battle everyday to not return to that place. you learn your own signs and you learn what helps and doesn't. and you also move on, don't let it control you or own you. i know now that i am a strong woman, i am a beautiful in my Heavenly Father's eyes and the eyes of my husband and new baby and some days if that's all i know, it is enough.

TIME PASSES

Today we spent time at my grandparents helping them out. My mom and/or I go up there a few times a week to make sure they have groceries, meals to eat, clean the house etc. I will admit that sometimes it is wearisome due to the amount of care needed and the glimpse into what the future holds. But today as I was in the kitchen putting away groceries and making dinner for them I was able to watch my grandfather play with my son. We only recently moved back here and in the years that I have been away my grandfather's Alzheimer's has progressed rapidly. Most days though he recognizes me as a good person, someone he can let in the house, he doesn't recognize me as his granddaughter. My son is named after my grandfather, and though he does not remember this or understand it even when told, he absolutely lights up when he sees the baby. Before we can even get out of the car he sees the baby and is trying to talk to him. He spends hours playing on the floor with him, not an easy task due to his health. He is so gentle and happy in their interactions. And my son in turn, enjoys to play with his great-grandfather, rewarding him with shrills and giggles. It is bittersweet to see someone nearing the end of their life and someone whose life has just begun to interact with such enthusiasm. I know that my grandfather's time here is limited, his absence will be grieved. My childhood is scattered with many happy memories of time spent with him. And I can only pray that even as his mind continues to fail the joy he feels when playing with his great-grandson will not fade. I pray that my son will grow to know and love his great-grandfather. And that the joy and fun of their time together will continue to shine brightly in both their eyes.

OH WINTER

Well it's official winter is here. No, it wasn't the abundant amount of holiday sales all over the stores, or the same 10 Christmas movies playing on each channel. It wasn't even the 3 trees in my mom's house that clued me in. Nope, it was my car, or more actually, the fact that I had to scrape my car yesterday when I went to get in it. I am no Scrooge, I love the Christmas season. I LOVE LOVE LOVE singing the music (though I can't vouch for anyone that loves to hear me, haha). I love celebrating Christ's birth, keeping family traditions, finding the perfect present for loved ones and decorating. But the one sign of the season I do not appreciate and had been lucky enough to avoid living in California for the past 3 Christmases, is frost and frozen windshields, ugh! Some of you may not understand the correlation between the holiday season and frozen windshields but for a girl that grew up in the mid-west and attended college in Utah, home of the "world's best snow" it is common relation. But this year I will rise above it and look at the bright side and all the other beauties of the season, namely that I don't live in a place where snow is that common so even if I do have to scrape my car at least I don't have to brush off six inches of snow first to get to the windshield, yikes! And even more importantly this is my baby's first Christmas season which means his first traditions, his first snow, his first holiday lights and his first time singing Christmas songs (well he doesn't really sing yet but he listens to me and squeals hopefully out of pleasure and not horror, haha!). And maybe for my own holiday wishes I will add new car with remote defrost to my Christmas list next year, haha!

I WANT TO BE MORE

Obviously I am not perfect, not really a news flash there. But like most of us I just keep trying, somedays are better than others. I want to be more; more patient, more loving, more forgiving, etc. Often I find myself, especially in my current state of never ending sleep deprevation getting annoyed and aggrevated easily and wanting to blame others for things; when really I should accept things as they come and do what I can to change what I can. Serenity prayer anyone? So today driving in the car while listening to one of my favorite CD's by one of my favorite singers the lyrics of two of the songs just hit me, so I submit the following as some thoughts to ponder:

"We must demand more not from each other but more from ourselves"
"In the end only kindness matters."
- Jewel -

Here's to trying to be More.

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE

I love Netflix. Honestly, I am addicted, our queue is over 100 movies long and just seems to get longer and longer. It's great to be able to see new movies with out paying the outrageous ticket fee (locally it's up to $9!!!) and also with a baby on board now it's so convenient to be able to watch from our own couch too. Last night we watched the new "Transformers" movie; very enthusiastic two thumbs up! They did a really good job of bringing one of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons to life. I was a little sad that Bumblebee is now a Camero and not a beloved Beetle anymore, but I guess somethings have to change with the times. And it got me thinking about the good ol' Saturday morning cartoons of my childhood. They were awesome, why don't they make cartoons like that anymore. They weren't overly violent or just funny, they were exciting and had characters you loved and also had a message to teach, a good message. Oh how I miss the days of ThunderCats, American Superheros, Gummi Bears, Smurfs, and of course my personal favorite Voltron. And that is my vote for next great Saturday morning cartoon to be made into a movie. Voltron was awesome, my sister and I would always argue about who got to be the princess. And that brings us full circle back to the wonder of Netflix. You can find all kinds of great memories from your childhood there. We have had lots of fun watching old cartoons and movies that we loved from our younger days. Some have not held up so well like "Explorers" and some are just as great and fun now as they were then even if the special effects aren't the best like "Willow" and "Flight of the Navigator". So for anyone that has yet to start a Netflix account, I encourage you to join in on the fun and memories, haha! They really should put me on a commercial, haha.

CRAZY BABY TOUCHERS

Ok, when I first got pregnant everyone warned me about how total strangers would feel it their right to counsel me on how I should care for myself and my unborn baby. They even warned of strangers touching my belly without asking. However I managed to get through all of my 41 weeks ( I was a week late ) of pregnancy without a single stray hand touching me that I did not welcome. And no unsolicited advice either.
Oh how the times have changed. Apparently I am making up for my intrusive-free pregnancy by running into every child rearing "expert" I can while out and about with my baby boy. Do these people really think I am listening to them? It's not really the advice that bothers me, honestly I could care less how people think I should raise my child. I am pretty good at brushing off other's opinions when I am not seeking them. However, I can not get past the fact that there are people out there who think it is perfectly okay to touch a strangers baby!!!! Are they kidding me? HANDS OFF MY BABY!!!!! For instance, the other day I went to Target. Baby boy was happily snuggled in the Baby Bjorn and I was talking to my husband on the cell phone while trying on shoes. An old lady approached me, you would think that fact that I was on the phone, trying on shoes, and holding my baby's hand all at the same time would signal to her that I am not really in the position to chat but apparently not. She proceeds to talk to me, telling me how un-hygenic it is to try on shoes with out socks. Uh-huh sure whatever, true but honestly do you always have the little nylons handy when you are trying on shoes. But here is where it crossed the line to the are-you-freaking-kidding-me side. Just after she finishes telling me how un-hygenic it is to try on shoes sockless, she grabs my baby's hand and as if that isn't bad enough she starts to kiss it!!!! WHAT THE &$%#!!! Now remember I am still standing there a-la Cinderella with one shoe on and a cell phone up to my ear, all I can see are images of beating this woman over the head with the cute Mary Jane I have just tried on. Obviously realizing that beating an elderly person with a shoe would not be the best idea I have had, I drop the shoe, stuff my foot as far as I can into my own shoe while simultaneously pulling my baby's hand away from this woman and making a hasty exit around the corner all the while my husband oblivious to my situation is waiting for an answer regarding reservations for an upcoming trip.
As soon as I thought I had made a far enough retreat, I let loose to my husband about the craziness I have just experienced while also applying some hand gel to my baby's hand and holding it away from his mouth while it dries. Good husband that he is he lamented with me about the absurdity of the woman's actions. Now common sense would tell you that if you are concerned with germs on your feet wouldn't you be aware of germs from your mouth and hands? But apparently this woman though concerned for the safety of my feet had no such concern for the health of my baby! My feet thank you, my baby does NOT.
Unfotunately this was not my last encounter with what I call a crazy-baby-toucher, people who can't resist the urge to touch and coo at strangers babies. Please coo away but DON'T TOUCH. I have found a way to deal with the problem however. While at Costco there was a couple with triplets, you know they have had their fair share of crazy-baby-touchers, but alas no more. They had these great little signs sitting above each baby in the triple stroller. You can find them at http://www.healthylittleones.com/ and thanks to them I am ordering one now and hopefully can avoid any future run-ins with the crazy-baby-touchers. And don't worry about my feet either, I will be sure to stick a pair of socks in the diaper bag in case I feel the urge to try on shoes.